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An Ode to Carlos Boozer

February 14, 2012

On this day last year, we here at Hard Hat Lunch Pail wrote an ode to a man that made most everyone in Bulls nation want to gouge their eyes out: Keith Bogans. We felt bad for the man. He only did what Thibs told him to do. Not his fault that he only averaged 4.4 points a game, couldn’t run the break with Derrick, seemed to only know how to shoot 3-pointers [and not very well] and…..well, yeah.

Yes, he was generally useless on the floor except for the occasional ‘break out’ game where’d he score more than 6 points but he never seemed to let any of the fans’ disdain get to him and actually seemed like a pretty nice dude.

Nonetheless, it was no surprise that he got cut from the team this season. I mean, let’s be real here. But  Joce and I were both pretty surprised that no team picked him up right away as a solid 11th or 12th man off the bench. So, we were happy to see him finally get picked up by the New Jersey Nets but disappointed to see that he’d be out for the rest of the season to have surgery and get waived before his contract was guaranteed to boot. Alas, the life of a NBA scrub. Get well soon, Keith.

Anyway, a year later on this Valentine’s Day, we’ve written another ode to a similarly much-maligned Chicago Bull: a certain, 6’9″ 260lb man by the name of Carlos Boozer. He gets a lot of flak – rightfully so – for not playing much [read: any] defense and for really only producing against shit frontcourts. And while the Yin Seeesters have shaken our heads at him many a time, we thought today, we’d give him a break and wrote him this ode:

Boozer's gift to you on this Valentine's Day. (Photo Credit: Joyce)

There exists a Bull at the four
Last name, Boozer. First name, Carlos
Whose defense always leaves Bulls fans screaming, ‘MORE!!’
And this never changes whether the Bulls win or lose

When Lebron picked Wade over Rose
GarPax had to go to plan B
Somehow plan B turned into Carlos
And Bulls fans said, “we’ll wait and see”

To no one’s surprise
Carlos tripped over a bag
And everyone rolled their eyes
Of course a full season was not to be had

Whether Boozer was in or out
The Bulls continued to win
And when he would return people would shout,
“Stop committing fouls so that we can win!!”

So here we are today with man-who-screams, “and 1”
Who has big nights but never when it counts
Whose salary is big and weighs a ton
And is getting heavier ounce by ounce

Now with the help of Tajywu
Fans can only hope and pray
That Miami will be the one to lose
And leave the Bulls standing with the coveted ‘ship at the end of the day

See red tonight when the Bulls play Sac-town and Boozer allows himself to get bullied by DeMarcus Cousins while we all collectively scream at him to RUN BACK ON DEFENSE, GODDAMMIT.
Happy V-Day, y’all,
–Joyce & Jocelyn
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