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Things That Annoy Joyce: Mouth Guards

February 28, 2011

If you’ve ever met me, you know that I get annoyed pretty easily. I don’t have a ton of patience at times and my tolerance for stupidity is pretty low. So when Jocelyn and I were talking about ideas for blog posts, she suggested starting a series on ‘Things That Annoy Joyce’ because there are oh-so-many things that make me want to rip my hair out in frustration. So what better way to healthily channel that irritation than to do it through writing?

Volume One: Mouth Guards.

Given the name, mouth guard, one would be inclined to believe that these things of plastic actually, you know, belong in a person’s mouth to protect their teeth. But if you watch any basketball game, you’ll inevitably see a player whose mouth guard is not actually IN their mouths but instead hanging OUT of their mouths, being munched on like a celery stick. I absolutely cannot stand this. It annoys me to no end.

Small thing to nitpick at? Sure. But let me be clear: I don’t really mind mouth guards in general. They’re crucial to protecting one’s mouth and teeth, especially in a physical game like basketball where arms and elbows are flying around all the time and players are constantly diving for loose balls and such. There’s even some speculation that mouth guards help prevent concussions. So you’d think that players would want to keep those puppies in their mouth at all times.

Now if a player wants to take his mouth guard out during a time out to let his mouth breathe for a moment, by all means. But I can’t stand it when he just kind of spits out the guard and lets it hang from his mouth while gnawing on it like a drumstick. Like, c’mon now. That’s just obnoxious.

Players who are guilty of this basketball misdemeanor?:

Jameer Nelson. Chomp Chomp. (Photo Credit:


Lebron James. Nom Nom Nom. (Photo Credit:


And repeat offender…

Gerald Wallace. Where is his mouthguard? Clearly NOT IN HIS MOUTH. (Photo Credit:


....EVER. (Photo Credit:

Every time I see Gerald Wallace, I just want to rip that goddamn piece of plastic from his mouth and stomp on it. Watch him play. It’s never in his mouth. Ever. It’s like his mouth is chronically allergic to it or something. You’d think if he wanted to avoid any future, super dangerous concussions, he’d want to keep that thing where it’s supposed to go: his mouth.

Or else you’ll end up like this guy:

Danny Granger. Great smile. (Photo Credit:


So let it be a lesson to all you basketball players, keep those things in your mouth or I swear to god if I ever see you in-person during a game and it’s not in your mouth, you can bet that I will grab it and shove it down your throat. For your own safety, of course.



4 Comments leave one →
  1. Michel permalink
    April 6, 2012 7:45 am

    man…i am watching NYK-Orlando and Jameer Nelson is just absolutely pissing me off with his mouthguard, and he has been doing it for years and years. I also agree about Gerald Wallace, he’s guilty as well! It irritates me to no end and I don’t understand why the NBA hasn’t done anything yet. After all they tend to overreact on some other points sooo….I don’t see what’s the hold up here… Just wanted to share my feelings with you. I just typed “jameer nelson mouthguard” on google and got a ton of hater-results.. we are not alone 😉

  2. Somedaymyprincewillcome permalink
    May 14, 2013 8:12 pm

    Do not forget Kevin Durant is notorious for this, either wear it or don’t wear honestly! It’s not attractive in and out in and out.

    • jyin4 permalink*
      May 17, 2013 4:06 pm

      Yes! I’ve been noticing more and more lately that KD is super guilty of this, too! For shame, KD. For shame….


  1. Things That Annoy Joyce: Mouth Guards, Appendix 1 « Hard hat. Lunch pail.

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